More Than Just That
by Kitai-Anom
Summary: We find ourselves in so many situations that we don't know how to handle, what happens when you make the wrong choice? Yaoi, Shuuhei x Izuru


More Than Just That

**Anime/Manga:** _Bleach_

**Pairing(s):** _Hisagi Shuuhei x Kira Izuru_

**Genre:** _Romance/Angst_

**Warnings:** _Male x male relationship, Possible OOC-ness_

**Personal Thoughts:** _This is a two shot, so there will only be one other chapter posted. Eventually.  
_

Ps.

"Talking"  
'_Thinking'_

Chapter One

* * *

Izuru tightened his grip on the man who lay beside him.

It was on nights that he couldn't sleep he questioned things, questioned why things were the way they were now. He knew Shuuhei was a light sleeper and he didn't want to wake him but not because Shuuhei would mind. He'd probably be grateful, as much as it pained Izuru to think Shuuhei wanted him to open up to him in that way. However, these thoughts were best not to reach Shuuhei's ears because Izuru believed no one would understand these thoughts. Not even his current lover, Shuuhei…

Izuru currently had his head lying on Shuuhei's bare chest, listening to the man silently breathe, feeling the calming motion of moving up and down. That's what life was full of, ups and downs, even if that was true, most people either had more ups or more downs in their lives. He knew Shuuhei had quite a few of ups instead of downs. However Izuru had more downs than probably anyone else alive. He was incredibly unlucky, so maybe that was why he was in this position.

He wondered why he was in a wonderful relationship right now, what did he do to deserve this love? He hadn't done anything, so on many occasions, Izuru felt he should just get up and leave Shuuhei. He tightened his hold on Shuuhei again and turned his head to stare at the man below him. He was so handsome that Izuru still felt the slight heat in his cheeks whenever he looked at his face. He also felt the frown tug at his lips, like it did every time too. Shuuhei was everything anyone could want, handsome, smart, strong, a leader, affectionate, and an honorable friend.

It was for those reasons that Izuru felt the hate for himself return once again and had to turn his head away to look into the dark room. Why had he ever agreed when Shuuhei asked him out? Maybe it was because he was selfish and the notion that someone loved him made him cave into that comfort. He loved Shuuhei, he had loved Shuuhei, he had thought he loved Shuuhei…

However that feeling had never existed, not to anyone, not even his parents, at least none that Izuru gave to people. He said he loved people but what he meant by that was that he was loyal to him. His loyalty was the only love he knew how to give, he gave it to people who were important, he gave trust. He hated how his love was loyalty for that would mean that he loved Gin. Who had betrayed soul society and everyone, he was not worthy of loyalties at this moment.

However he thought Gin should be loved, in a romantic way, not the way he looked up to him. Contrary to people's beliefs, he and Gin were not involved, neither felt that for the other. What Izuru had was admiration, which was mistaken as love because it was the closest thing he could give to love. Izuru was quite sure Gin never felt any friendship or any caring thoughts for him, although he had overheard Rangiku say otherwise. She had said that Gin called people he was close to without suffixes.

So him saying "Rukia-chan" or "Renji-kun" meant he was not close, so why did Gin call him "Izuru". Izuru never wanted the real answer because if what Rangiku said was true, which it probably was since she could read Gin, then that would mean that he was important to Gin in a friendship-sorta way. However if that was true then he could never let go of his loyalties. He had told Shuuhei, sometime into their relationship that he wanted to get over Gin. In a way he did…

However the phrase only meant one part of Gin, he wanted to get over his loyalties because if he didn't then he would just listen to whatever Gin had to say and turn on his friends again. As much as he hated to admit this, he had forgiven Gin for what he did, he rather blame Sousuke… or himself. Izuru did not want to forget who Gin was to him, that admiration, that familiarity, that safety of not being the only one.

That he wasn't the only one despised by everyone…

Gin was him, and he was Gin, although they were opposite, like ying and yang. Izuru preferred to be kind but sometimes enjoyed watching misery, Gin liked causing misery but sometimes liked to watch kindness. Gin was strong, Izuru was weak, Gin filled the air with distrust, Izuru filled it with loyalty. Although they shared quite a few things as well, this strive to be better, this constant mask, and the fact that no one liked them or trusted them.

Izuru was sure Shuuhei didn't trust him, didn't trust him to face Gin, didn't trust him to be strong when needed, didn't trust him with his problems, and he certainly didn't trust him to handle things. It was almost suffocating being looking down upon by his friends, being looked at that he was weaker and more fragile than them. He wondered if it was true but if it is he desired desperately to get away from that. After all, they would never understand what he has to carry. They didn't understand all the looks he got because he was loyal to Gin.

It was true he was having troubles separating from it but that was because everyone kept addressing his feelings for him, not his loyalty. Izuru didn't want to lose the security that someone out there was like him, someone else there was hated like him. Izuru wanted to lose his loyalty and maybe his trust. However he knew that if he attacked the man then that meant that he was attacking his only savior from what he was. Gin saved him from being a wreak, saved him from danger, saved him from himself when no one else could, when no one else cared or noticed.

Gin, to him, was his savior…

He could follow him without feeling the downcast eyes that he was weak and had to be sheltered. Gin treated him how he wanted to be treated, roughly and honest, it was almost a craving now. He deserved to be treated roughly and he longed for people to just tell him the damn truth. He was sick of the lies, sick of the secrets, he wanted to be free from it all and finally see through them but not fly above them. Oh how he wanted so many things.

One of those things was to love someone, he wanted to love Shuuhei. He wanted to know what it was like to love and be loved. However if he couldn't feel love for someone who has given him so much, how could Shuuhei, who he has given nothing to, feel love for him? He didn't want to doubt Shuuhei but it was just so hard to believe that someone could feel for him in that way. Izuru drew small circles on Shuuhei's exposed belly, Shuuhei shifted sometimes but Izuru still believed he was asleep. However Shuuhei had startled him by wrapping his arms around him in his sleep.

He was startled at first but fell easily into the embrace it was tight but it was cold. Shuuhei was colder than him and it sort of made him feel alone, like no one was there and that he was unimportant, even to the man that claimed he loved him. Still Izuru found himself snuggling closer, looking for a warm embrace, looking for that comfort, it was selfish. He was selfish to even agree to this relationship in the first place, he was just going to end up hurting Shuuhei.

"_Izuru-baka…_"

He let the words slip in a whisper and tensed when Shuuhei's hand suddenly rubbed the top of his head.

"Izuru-kun."

Shuuhei corrected. Izuru's heart raced for a few seconds before he calmed himself down.

"Why should I refer to myself in an affectionate way? Gomen na for waking you up."

"That's because you need to be kinder to yourself, I like you as you are, and you're not a baka."

Izuru wanted to retort with a _'If you found out I didn't love you, you wouldn't say that.'_ But he smartly kept his mouth shut. There was a grunt from Shuuhei before he continued.

"I told you to wake me up if you couldn't sleep, still getting used to having someone in bed with you? I mean this is only our third night."

"No, well, maybe, but I like you here." _'You are here right?'_

"Yeah, I do too." _'Why would you want to be here?'_

"Well you were the one who suggested it so I'd hope so." _'It's so cold here…'_

Shuuhei chuckled and Izuru head moved up and down a tad bit more violently "You're so cute when you play honest." _'It's so lonely here…'_

"Play? And exactly would you mean by that?" _'Are you still waiting for me?'_

Izuru let a sly smile grace his lips as he turned his head to stare at Shuuhei's. "I mean you act like you don't know anything but you probably know more than everyone else." _'Would you wait for me, would you believe in me…?'_

"Probably?" _'Would you give yourself to me…?'_

"I can't read you all the time, you tease." _'…because if that's the case…'_

"Who said I was teasing?" _'I wouldn't want you to be here.'_

"Well, ano…" _'I want you to…'_

Izuru laughed at the slightly flustered Shuuhei, he just loved getting him like that. "You still fall for that _Shuu_~." _'…be honest with me…'_

"Yeah, yeah." _'Please tell me you see through this lie I'm selling to you.'_

Izuru felt his head lifted and he felt warmth on his lips, the warmth he had been seeking all night. All he had to do was tease to get what he wanted, once again another way he was similar to Gin, they liked to tease. Playful or not, Shuuhei seemed to give him whatever he wanted, with or without permission. Izuru was surprised when Shuuhei's tongue grazed over his lips. He almost pulled away but noticed that Shuuhei wasn't holding him like he was before, he was encouraging the kiss but wasn't forcing it.

Shuuhei was never forceful, not with him, everything was his choice and sometimes he wished Shuuhei would take that away from him. That was because Izuru could not trust himself, and neither should Shuuhei. If Shuuhei continued giving him these choices then Shuuhei was going to lose him. For his choices in life were never right, he always screwed up. So Shuuhei wanted to play this game for a little longer, wanted to give Izuru some comfort until they broke up. Then Izuru wanted it, he so desperately wanted it, he needed that salvation.

He opened his lips to let Shuuhei explore the new territory, actually this was the first time Shuuhei had initiated this kind of kiss. There was defiantly no way Izuru would initiate it because Shuuhei deserved someone better to share this with. Still Izuru found himself addicted to that warmth; he craved to feel alive again. Izuru didn't know when but he had crawled his way on top of Shuuhei and Shuuhei was holding him there as to make sure he didn't fall off.

The exploration was slow as Shuuhei brushed his tongue over teeth, gums, and eventually rubbed it against Izuru's own tongue. Izuru had retracted his tongue startled before letting it settle back to let Shuuhei work his magic. Shuuhei had groaned his encouragement at the action and began swirling his tongue around Izuru's. Izuru felt braver as he started dueling with Shuuhei's tongue, enlisting a few moans from both of them. They parted for a few seconds for breath before Izuru had found himself forcing his own tongue into Shuuhei's willing mouth.

He forced himself deeper into Shuuhei, attempting to get his tongue back as far as possible. Wanting to explore, wanting to feel every last bit of warmth Shuuhei could offer. Izuru grew desperate as his tongue grazed against every part of Shuuhei's lips and soon his tongue wasn't in Shuuhei's mouth. He was lapping at his jaw bone and all the way to his ear, not registering if the moans of pleasure were his own or Shuuhei's.

He wanted more.

Izuru felt himself go lower, start kissing Shuuhei's neck and to his shoulder blade, lapping and biting as he went. Then he felt the something salty against his lips, it was wet and Izuru realized he was crying. He kissed at Shuuhei's skin for a bit before not being able to take it and pulled away. Hiding his eyes with his arms, trying to control the sniffles that escaped his lips.

"Wh-what am I doing?" God, he sounded so weak.

There was no response, there was silence, and Izuru wished he could stop these emotions of despair that he had kept hidden for so long. Izuru felt himself start to fall, it took him a few moments to notice that he was actually falling. The only reason he didn't was because Shuuhei had moved but there was suddenly an arm around his back, holding him in place. He felt that Shuuhei was close, he was right in front of him. The sit up of Shuuhei must have caused him to fall because before he was sitting on his stomach.

"Izuru…"

"Yeah…"

"You don't have to pretend this relationship is not hurting you anymore, you don't have to pretend to like it anymore, I knew."

"So then why? Why did you ask me out? Why did you let me kiss? Why did you almost let us go all the way!"

"That's because I knew you'd stop."

"How! I almost didn't!"

"However you did, I wanted to show you I trusted your decision. Whether it was to continue this lie that you liked me, to leave me, or to actually try, I would stand by your decision."

"You would-you would have lived a lie, how is that okay!"

"You would have been too."

"…" Izuru's voice caught in his throat, they both would have been living a lie… he hated lies.

"Please Izuru. Tell me what's on your mind, I can't help you but I know someone who can but you have to tell me."

"I-iie, no one can help me, I'm-I'm such a horrible, horrible person, how can someone he-help me?"

"He's in this room."

Izuru's eyes had darted about, someone was in this room? Who? When? Where? If it wasn't Shuuhei and there was no one else in the room then who could it be? Shuuhei shook his head and pulled Izuru's chin so he'd face him.

"It's you."

"B-but…"

"I can't help you Izuru, no one ever could, I can help you along but only you can get yourself out of this slump."

"I-I can't…"

"Izuru, stop waiting around for someone to save you because you have yourself…" _'but…'_ "… and you have me…" _'but…!'_

Shuuhei pulled Izuru close to his face, causing the blonde to stop shielding his face. "Be honest with me, do you like it when I kiss you?"

"H-hai." With that Shuuhei kissed him. "Nan-nani-?"

"So then I'll kiss you every time you're honest, every time you correct a mistake or forgive yourself for one. Do you love me?"

"…" '_I don't…'_

"Answer me Izuru."

"I- I do.-" One look at Shuuhei made Izuru change his answer "I don't know."

Shuuhei kissed Izuru.

"But that was a lie."

"Do you really think that?"

"I don't know." Was Izuru instant response and Shuuhei kissed him again.

"You responded quickly to that, it meant that you didn't know, you just keep telling yourself that you don't."

"Wh-why are you kissing me? I'm-I don't deserve-"

Shuuhei hushed him with a finger to his lips. "I love you."

'_How could you possibly love a monster?'_

"How could I not? You're so hard on yourself that you seem to forget that you're actually human and you make mistakes. You feel so guilty over every wrong thing you've done, it's admiring when it's so easy to blame on someone else. Although for some things there is no need for you to blame yourself and for the times you blame yourself, please share your load with me."

Shuuhei then pulled Izuru to lay down on him, pulling the blanket up so it could give them some warmth. Then Shuuhei began a process, telling Izuru things that he had never told anyone before and Izuru listened. Didn't judge, didn't question, just listened with his heart. Once Shuuhei had ended, Izuru began his story, and how painful it all was to hurt everyone. Shuuhei gave no response and continued his caressing of Izuru's back. Once Izuru was done, he felt a load lift and the lightness of his shoulders made his head spin.

"Man, those weights were really keeping you grounded weren't they? You're not gonna float away on me now are you?"

Izuru stuck out his tongue at Shuuhei as a tease but soon regretted it as Shuuhei pressed his tongue to Izuru's. He was startled and tried to pull away but for once Shuuhei held him there, tightly, not allowing him to _float_ away as Shuuhei would have put it. Shuuhei deepened their kiss again and Izuru followed submissively, letting himself be taken by him. He didn't know when but he was on his back now and Shuuhei was above him, straddling his hips.

Izuru let out a lengthy groan as the kisses went on, Shuuhei licking gently now along Izuru's skin. Shuuhei didn't bite but tried to make sure Izuru felt that pleasure, that feeling of warmth and security. At the end of it, it had Izuru gasping in the pleasure he had received for simply stopping hiding. He looked up at Shuuhei above him and calmed himself down from the pleasure to rethink if he wanted to say this, if he meant this. Finally getting a hold of his nerve, Izuru let the words slide without effort from his lips.

"I love you."

So, Shuuhei kissed him.

* * *

A/N: _I have to say I like the ending of this first chapter then the beginning of it. Oh well, hope I managed to get Izuru's and Gin's relationship across._

_Translations:_

_Baka = Idiot_  
_Gomen na = I'm sorry (Male speaking)  
Ano = Umm  
Iie = No  
Hai = Yes  
Nani = What_


End file.
